If I’m asked to list the few things that make me feel like I have done something good, something right, in my life till now, it would be the friends I have by my side.
From the one friend from my school days who became my lifeline because of a few shared secrets and laughs. To the friends that made classroom bearable and became an important part of my life in just a few years. You made my childhood and teenage complete.
From that hostel roommate that I now consider my sister, my soulmate. To the few chuckle heads that I had to tutor till right before an exam. From that friend who became my horror movies, coffee and tv series partner from being just a face. To those friends who don’t need me to hit them up everyday. You made my adulting fun and full of hope.
From all the witty remarks and jokes of those friends who the world always think are my ‘boyfriends’. To those that become my personal therapists any time of the day. You boys make me feel like I’m not just a dainty girl and reinforce my faith in equality.
These past few months being cooped up at home made me feel insignificant, empty and severely dissatisfied with my life. But all the gifts, wishes, love and of course jokes at my expense, that I received on my birthday, made me realise that as long as I have my select few with me, I could feel lonely but I’m never alone.
Each of you hold a special, separate piece of my soul and being. Believe it or not you guys are my chosen family who not only make me frustrated and angry but also extremely gratified and blooming with love. You are the light that pierce my darkness.
There have been many friends along the way and there will be many more in the journey ahead but you all will be a stitch permanently sewn in the tapestry of my memories. There will be friends for reasons, friends for seasons and then there will be friends for life.
Everyday we spend our entire day accomplishing things and checking off our checklist and worrying about time. And we never stop, not even at night, when we start mentally preparing for the next day.
But sometimes you need to slow down and breathe. Just live in the moment. Don’t do anything special. Don’t make a list in your head. Forget about all that is there to do because trust me you’ll feel lighter.
A much-needed and well-deserved break is what I’m talking about. Just slow down for a day and spend some time on your own – think about your health, pursue your hobby, cook or order-in, whatever you find to be the best and just relax.
And that night don’t freak about the next morning, instead think of all that you have already managed to achieved, no matter however big or small those achievements have been.
Be thankful for the little things. Be thankful to be alive and well. Be thankful that you are where you are, even if you’re not satisfied with your life, be thankful because many people would give anything to live your life.
Just relax. Breathe. Be thankful.
And then hustle harder the next day because you missed an entire day’s work 😉
To celebrate the end of examination week, it was decided weeks ago, that we would go out. At the end only me and another friend were up for it.
After sleeping at 4 in the morning I had thought it would be impossible to go out and roam the city for the whole day but boy was I wrong.
We spent half our day on Delhi Metro and the other half walking. By 4 in the evening we were totally wiped out and headed for a few drinks.
But all this was punctuated by random thoughts on death, dying and beyond.
Now if we rewind back to my morning, my mother called me up to inform of a death in the family and I was just leaving my house and almost at the cab when she told me this. And although I wasn’t close to the person I had half a mind of turning back and cancelling my plans.
The entire day as we laughed, clicked pictures, struck poses, ate and drank, somewhere at the back of my head I kept thinking about why she had to die and why now and why so peacefully. (She passed away in her sleep of old age)
The reason I was upset was not because someone I knew had died but more about how she wasn’t a good person while alive (not speaking ill of the dead, it’s a true story).
I wondered why all the good people were suffering with old age and various problems when they led a good life and that person who always fought with people and did not spend one good day had passed away in peace.
I was troubled and my believe in God and his workings was somewhat shaken but then I talked to my dad and he said something that led me to a realisation.
He said our birth, family and death in this life is a product of our past life and although it might seem that she was not punished for her wrong-doings in this life, God pumished her by sending her off alone on her last journey. She had no one around at the time of her death and what could be worse than being alone on your death bed.
And that guys shook me to the core and I’d like to take this moment to pray to God for her soul and peace in the afterlife. And if there ever is a next time when I find myself thinking like this I’d like to come back to this post to remind myself that death is agonising no matter who died and what he/she did.
Why is it so difficult for us as human beings to look at other human beings as equal?
And I’m not saying this because people don’t understand me or have wronged me personally. But because there is this hate, ignorance or maybe just inhumane behaviour that I have recently sensed in almost everyone around me and I fail to understand where it stems from.
There have been so many separate incidents that I’m confused as to where I should start. Expecting another person to be courteous and understanding is not that big of a request now, is it?
Being a fan of a Korean idol group I have received some really stupid comments in the last year or so. Even when I was not a fan of the Korean idol groups, dramas and movies, I was not anti anything but after stepping into the fandom I have faced some really insensitive incidents. And I’m really sad to say that I get this insensitivity not just from friends or strangers but also from my family members some time.
Living in a joint family, you know that your values and beliefs will clash with others’ but that does not mean you keep quiet and so I’m always quite vocal with my views about everything. My views are not always taken in a good stance and I’m many a time involved in quarrels and even have to bow down sometimes but I don’t understand why is it so damn difficult for people to be understanding.
Why are others not curious of all that the world has to offer? Why is most of the population so oblivious to differences?
If God were to make everyone and everything exactly same, would any species ever progress. And just as we got different trees, flowers, animals in different parts of the world, we should know about the different people living in different parts of the world.
Recently, I put up a picture of a Korean idol on my SNS and immediately I got messages from “friends” that the person looked gay or transgender or could not be called handsome because his features were “feminine”. What is this hate guys?
The Korean men are manlier than the supposed men who parade around thinking the world is theirs. They are manlier than you who think its okay to belittle women every step. They are manlier than you who think crying is a girl’s trait only. They are manlier than you who are indifferent to even basic hygiene.
I agree Korean men might have features than are not muscular like the common Indian man. Their stature is different because they belong to a different part of the world. Just like our language and cuisine differs so does our statures.
Every Korean man serves in the military for two years compulsorily and is much manlier than you who think only going to a gym gives you the right to be called a ’man’.
And what gives you the right to use ‘gay’ or ‘transgender’ as a derogatory term. I mean come on people is this the best you can do. If being a gay or transgender is wrong you being a ‘human’ is the worst thing. I can now understand how bullying starts and to all you people masquerading as humans, you should be ashamed of yourselves and the next time I wish people around you use your name as a derogatory term and maybe then you’ll understand how not being able to associate with your own identity pains you.
I do not hate every guy on earth and I’m not saying that every man is of the same opinion but to those out there who think their muscles, beard and penis are a sign of their masculinity, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. I am definitely not attracted to a man who is insecure of these things.
And to the women who expect equal rights and who walk around talking of ‘feminism’, please go and check the meaning of feminism and please do not make it difficult for other ladies to be free. If you think a guy with make up is feminine something is definitely wrong with you. For years we girls have been stressing on how our make up does not define us, make up is only to make us feel beautiful and a man has as much right to look ‘beautiful’.
There were no strict rules to associate a certain word with a certain gender, a girl can be handsome and a man can be beautiful. Stop with your insensitive behaviour. Knowledge does not come from studying at esteemed colleges; knowledge comes with engaging with others around you and learning and discovering all that the world has to offer.
I might not have had the best grades in school and I might have not travelled around the world but what I do know is that respect is something that all of us deserve irrespective of our sex, gender, age, nationality, sexual preferences, disabilities, opinions and values.
There will always be people who are different than you – a different gender, a different nationality, a different background, a different language or a different culture, being a man means accepting these differences and not being close-minded. If you always think with a limited mindset you will always have limited knowledge but once you accept that difference is the only similarity who will be limitless.
This may sound abrupt to some of my readers. And maybe even rude.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
There are very less things in life I’m sure about and out of them there is one thing that I definitely follow no matter what, and that is distancing myself from people who are spreading negativity in my life. And recently I have realised that I have one such person in my life.
That person is not bothered by my friendship and I’m only someone they have on the side to maybe feel okay or whatever. I have decided I’m not going to be bothered by those people for whom I am just someone they may remember when they are bored or in need.
I have tried to talk to that person and I have tried to be understanding of their situation. I have even been outright straight with my words and have talked about my concerns but all of this is to no avail. After numerous promises from that person I’m at the end of my patience.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where they have to realise that being understanding and patient about someone’s situation is very different from being used and abused.
Every time I’m let down by that person I start to believe that it might have been my mistake that made that person upset. Every time I needed someone to talk to or just go spend some time with, I’d be stupid enough to hit that person up. But after all these let downs I’m finally done.
There’s only so much one can do to keep close a person they love, but when it comes to choosing between loving them and loving yourself, its alright to always pick yourself.
And that is what I’ll be doing from this day onward. I’m giving myself the opportunity to mourn the loss of a friend and then move on.
Because in my heart I know, I was once a cherished friend but as times change, people change and so do their need of others. And with this understanding I’m saying goodbye to person that I no longer need as well.
I have been gone a long time. Not just from my blog but from myself too.
A lot of things happened to me and a lot is happening still but today I decided that this is enough. This is not the first of my “depressed phase” and definitely not the end so I am just going to go on with the flow.
I have nothing specific that I want to share at the moment. Just some thoughts that cross my mind these days. I am just going to write whatever I have been thinking for these past few months.
I have been gone for almost 5 months now and although I had no plans of writing even now I read something somewhere that reminded me that I am good at this – relieving my stress and emotions through writing. So here I am.
Firstly, I want to share that something happened to me recently but it is a separate topic for which I will need to gather my thoughts so please look forward to a lengthy next post.
Second, I want to remind you that I am an ARMY i.e. a BTS fan so naturally I am hyped up for their concert movie “Burn The Stage” that will premiere in India on 25th so you guys can also look forward to a post dedicated to me fan-girling over those 7 insanely cute and awesome singers.
Third, I want to say that I have once again somehow found myself in that void where I feel upset over nothing in particular and cry alone over silly things. Although I admit in the beginning I used to feel something was wrong with me because of what other people used to say, in the recent times I have realized that my mental health is important and should not be judged according to others’ opinions of my state.
Fourth, I want to share that it is difficult, showing self-love. It is very difficult to love yourself when everything you do makes you feel worthless, still I am forcing myself to go out there, talk too people and do things that might distract which is tough because my end semester exams are underway.
I have also reached out to a few old friends when I went home for a week’s break. Here at college I am distancing myself from stressful situations and people and being unapologetically me. I have also stopped reaching out to people who don’t value me and tried to bridge the distance between me and a few friends that I distanced myself with in these past months.
In short I am working really hard to grow out of this feeling that has made a place in me. I hope to receive love and support from you, my readers, so this post. Even your likes are enough to show me I am loved so THANK YOU for giving me all the love.
That night, our call ended with the sunlight peeking in through the gaps between the flowy, blue curtain.
The first of our many late night phone calls.
That morning, I woke up worried, confused and angry, with my cellphone clutched tightly in my hand because you forgot to call me back after work.
We fought about it a few days later.
That midnight, I put my novel aside and read through lines that made no sense to me while you sung a song to keep me company.
I said it was cute and you said you felt the butterflies.
That afternoon, I texted I missed you in the middle of doing some work and you rang me up after a few seconds to hear my voice if only for a minute.
Maybe even you realised that was the first time I implied I needed you in my life.
That evening, I was tired and upset, nothing in my world seemed right, except maybe you but I did not believe in an “us” so I pushed you away.
I should’ve known I was only giving you more reasons to let me go.
This middle of the day realisation that everything that could go right went right the first night, and everything that could go wrong went wrong every other time.
Perhaps, I was all you needed, so it was easy to ditch than to call back and actually talk when I was never what you wanted from your life.
I might be wrong but I think every one of us has that one shirt at home that we have had from ages.
Our moms hate that shirt and always threaten to throw it out.
We love it despite its faded colour and maybe even a few holes.
We come back to it every time we feel lost or alone. We wear to remind us of good times, happy times.
We wear it and it feels like a second skin. It smells of home and past memories. It looks great on us.
Our old friends are just like those old but awesome shirts.
We might have got them when we were young and stupid. We might have forgotten how we first got them. We might even forget their old faces, but the moments we spent with them are always alive.
One conversation with them reminds us why we cherished them in the first place.
Just last night I talked with an old friend for hours and although it was on the phone, it felt calming. I felt happier and lighter.
And in my heart I know no matter what happens to me, how upset or angry or depressed I am, a conversation with an old friend is all it would take for me to get back on my feet.
As I press the play button, I promise myself that it was the last time. I have at least a hundred of those little voice notes and you show your love in 99 of them but my fingers always hover over that last one.
I must have listened to it a few times now, yet I don’t recognize who the voices belong to.
Was I always so insensitive? Were you always so bitter?
Didn’t we want to try or were we tired of each other’s lives ?
I will never have answers to so many questions but there’s one that must be answered.
If we would have known it was our last call would you have said ‘I love you’ because I’m pretty sure I loved you even when we had our differences and those would be my last words for you.
Everyone deserves to know that they were once loved.
And even though I’d have wanted a chance to say everything I wanted to, today I realized sometimes how I feel is not important.
Your feelings are just as valid and precious as mine, I can’t decide I was right if you felt wronged.
See you next post.😉
P.S. The picture and quote is by an instagram user @leahjstone.
The Opinionated Narrator 